I’m tired of limping. I’m tired of being crippled by society’s weights and expectation and getting punished for not being strong.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m a disappointment. When the world tells you that you’re not good enough and that theres always someone better than you.
I’m tired of not fighting for myself. I weaken just by thinking of how hurt a third person must feel and I prioritize their feelings over mine.
I’m an idealist and a scorpio. When you put the two together, you get a hazard zone.
Heres the thing about me. I posture myself so well that I am able to hide behind a false identity of happiness and optimism. The truth is, I have built and perfected the mask for so long that I have started to truly forget who I really am. I'm not really good at talking about myself so I'm just going to guess.
I guess I'm a paradox. I'm never truly happy or sad. I laugh at jokes and I smile at people but I'm always a mess of emotions. I feel things when I'm not supposed to and I am reminded of things I shouldn't be reminded of.
Having to stumble upon a news article about a girl who was so talented and so bright taking her own life, something in me shook. She was someone that shone brightly in the limelight, she was someone that everybody loved. She was someone who’s just a step away from her dreams. She seemed like someone who had her life together. I kind of wondered why a person would choose to end her life so abruptly if she was happy?
Heres what I figured out.
We don’t live long enough to fully fledge, to mature. We’re merely human and our existence is compressed into just a matter of seconds. We were taught to believe that our lives were for eternity and that we had more than enough time to figure out who we want to be, only to be shot down by the same person who gave us those false hopes and entity. Those are the same adults who sweep the remains of their shattered dream under the rug and tell you that dreams are not real; they’re not doing this for you, they’re doing this for them.
So what am I saying?
You know, you are your own person and there is no need to conform to anything society shoves down your throat. There will be time when the world takes over and pushes you to the abyss. Those are the times that society will feed on, your wariness, your insecurities, and your flaws; don’t let them. Why?
Because who you are is more important than anything and everything. And who you are is of no one’s business. The people who say that dreams are not real, and that what you want isn’t important are the ones that society has brainwashed to conform to and live the bleak, mundane life in a box of boundaries and false sense self-security.
What exactly is the point of this?
The point is, I don’t want to live life in a monotonous world where everything is confined to black and white. Reality is catastrophic place, much more so than the shakespearean era. I’ve been chained with expectations and high hopes my entire life, I’m starting to bleed through my scars.
So I’m going to try this new thing. I’m going to try to not be scared of what lies ahead and focus my energy on the positive. I’m going to try to be a better person; if not for me, then for someone else. I’m going to try to slowly let go of the past.
I am compelled to help humanity. If I can’t help myself, at least I can try to help others.
And always remember that a soft heart doesn’t break, only hard hearts do.
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