Catching the Silence.

I've done this a lot, y'know. Not blogging, no. But a self-reflecting-sit-down-talk-figuring-out-myself kinda thing. I tell myself things to cheer myself up, most of the time. Other times the talks aren't so great. It's filled with self-doubt, self-hatred and a constant voice inside my head discouraging me to not live the way I do anymore.

I tell myself a lot. I tell her that I want to be someone who ten years from now will look back at all the things that i've done and give myself a pat on the back for surviving. I think that's what I want to be in life. Someone who's proud of herself, sure maybe for succeeding and living large or maybe for just barely scraping by to make ends meet at the age of 31. But I want to be someone who's proud to be myself. Why?

Because if I had to look back ten years then I'd have to say that I'm completely ashamed of who I was/am. I don't even have to look back ten years, just last year (no thanks to facebook 'memories') I look back at all the posts that I've posted and I cringe a little inside. Was I that childish? Was I so attention-seeking? Why? Why? Why!

Truth is, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I've done a lot of things I wish I could take back. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be someone who's proud to make her own decisions and say yes even if this path turns out to suck balls I still am glad I chose this.

So in conclusion.

Ten years from now. Whoever you are. I hope you're proud with yourself. I hope you achieved the things you wanted in life. I hope you know that everything will be okay. And most importantly, I hope you're happy. 0 comments

"remember that time you disappointed dad and told him you wanted to quit golf and do art instead? Remember the face of disappointment and anger he had? Remember the courage you had at that moment? Whatever it is you're doing in life I hope you have the same exact courage you did back then. I know I should be expecting a bright future for my future self but I just want you to know that as long as I'm doing whatever I love I'm not a single bit disappointed in you.

By the time you open this letter I hope you have a new chapter in your life and I hope that you've matured"

This was the hardest part for me to get through without tears. I wrote this. Me. A whole year ago, the same me, but slightly different.

I've always thought of myself as the type to mess up a perfectly good timing. If it isn't broken, break it. I've always been that kind of person. The type to always have something fucked up right when everything seems perfect, the type to always fuck things up.

I wrote this letter to myself a year ago at university when my teachers asked us to write something to our future self. Of course at that moment I thought like it was the most stupid thing a teacher can ask their students to do because how would anyone know what they'll be doing in the future? I thought it was stupid but those words hit me hard.

I've never been a person who's good with words in front of others, I'd always be the one to run away from confrontation mostly because, yes, I'm a coward. I don't like it when I have to face something in the face because I'd just wither away.

So this will be like another letter to my future self, I hope you open this up one day and laugh at the memories and smile at the painful ones.

Battle scars are worth the tale.

You need to let go of the past, you need to stop longing for the impossible, you need to settle down the war in your own head.

The dissatisfaction with not being someone else needs to stop.

And I hope you live to tell the tales of all the different births of the scars you carry around proudly.

Goodluck. I love you.

I hope you do too. 0 comments

Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would bring him happiness but people thought that it was stupid because everybody knew that paint was toxic. But if someone is crazy enough to think that yellow paint is a cure, that yellow paint could wash them yellow internally, it means that they still have hope. Even the slightest bit of hope, there is still one. So he might not be the crazy one, ironically. Everyone has their yellow paint, the Y generation just substitutes it with drugs, cigarettes, and a crazy idea called love. Although there are chances that it will slowly kill you, there are also chances that it will make things better. And they grasp onto the remaining pieces of their shattered hope and intertwine their fingers to pray for a better tomorrow.

I want to be able to do that. To hope.

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But thats the thing about self-destruction. We grow so attached to our addictions and sadness that it becomes so intimate. We grew roots around our depression, settling in, and it became our only escape from reality. Then it hit me. It's not that we don't get better, it's not that we can't shake off our addictions. Rather, it's because we don't want to. Because if we do, we would be killing off the one sole factor that is saving us.

People will misjudge you, people will say that you're not strong enough. And that's totally fine, because no we aren't strong. If we were we would have found a way out but no, we keep on feeding the roots with toxic alcohol and cigarettes. And we're fine with that. We don't expect people to understand, we don't expect people to care.

If we needed saving, we would ask. But we didn't.

We are fine.

We are okay.

We are dealing.

This is the way we deal.

This is our world.

Welcome honey.

Welcome to the real world.

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I’m tired of limping. I’m tired of being crippled by society’s weights and expectation and getting punished for not being strong.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m a disappointment. When the world tells you that you’re not good enough and that theres always someone better than you.

I’m tired of not fighting for myself. I weaken just by thinking of how hurt a third person must feel and I prioritize their feelings over mine.

I’m an idealist and a scorpio. When you put the two together, you get a hazard zone.

Heres the thing about me. I posture myself so well that I am able to hide behind a false identity of happiness and optimism. The truth is, I have built and perfected the mask for so long that I have started to truly forget who I really am. I'm not really good at talking about myself so I'm just going to guess.

I guess I'm a paradox. I'm never truly happy or sad. I laugh at jokes and I smile at people but I'm always a mess of emotions. I feel things when I'm not supposed to and I am reminded of things I shouldn't be reminded of.

Having to stumble upon a news article about a girl who was so talented and so bright taking her own life, something in me shook. She was someone that shone brightly in the limelight, she was someone that everybody loved. She was someone who’s just a step away from her dreams. She seemed like someone who had her life together. I kind of wondered why a person would choose to end her life so abruptly if she was happy?

Heres what I figured out.

We don’t live long enough to fully fledge, to mature. We’re merely human and our existence is compressed into just a matter of seconds. We were taught to believe that our lives were for eternity and that we had more than enough time to figure out who we want to be, only to be shot down by the same person who gave us those false hopes and entity. Those are the same adults who sweep the remains of their shattered dream under the rug and tell you that dreams are not real; they’re not doing this for you, they’re doing this for them.

So what am I saying?

You know, you are your own person and there is no need to conform to anything society shoves down your throat. There will be time when the world takes over and pushes you to the abyss. Those are the times that society will feed on, your wariness, your insecurities, and your flaws; don’t let them. Why?

Because who you are is more important than anything and everything. And who you are is of no one’s business. The people who say that dreams are not real, and that what you want isn’t important are the ones that society has brainwashed to conform to and live the bleak, mundane life in a box of boundaries and false sense self-security.

What exactly is the point of this?

The point is, I don’t want to live life in a monotonous world where everything is confined to black and white. Reality is catastrophic place, much more so than the shakespearean era. I’ve been chained with expectations and high hopes my entire life, I’m starting to bleed through my scars.

So I’m going to try this new thing. I’m going to try to not be scared of what lies ahead and focus my energy on the positive. I’m going to try to be a better person; if not for me, then for someone else. I’m going to try to slowly let go of the past.

I am compelled to help humanity. If I can’t help myself, at least I can try to help others.

And always remember that a soft heart doesn’t break, only hard hearts do.

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It's finally 2015. I feel somewhat obligated to do a new year resolution post and so I shall.

Twenty-fourteen was definitely one heck of a roller-coaster ride. There has been ups and downs and curves and twists but in the end I survived it, safe and sound. There are things I'd like to forget and there are things I'd like to keep, close to my heart. Friends have come and gone, some stayed with me throughout and put up with the crappiest sides of me. I reluctantly had to let go of things I know were bad for me, and I had to force myself to not think of the past. There had been conflicts and hardships and joy and all of it made twenty fourteen unconquerable. I say unconquerable because there will be no other year that could furnish the experiences that I've reaped from twenty fourteen and there will be no other year that could have given me so much hope and distress at the same time.

I've had fall outs with friends that I thought would be there for me forever. I've had to face the music of my own devise. I'd have to figure out what people needed, even though there was no need for me to. I've had to make sure that not everyone thought I was a complete ass. Those were the times.

I've had to have a change of scenarios, things I thought would never happen, happened. I've made ton of new friends, but lost a kindred of the same amount.

One thing that surprised me the most was the fact that I actually survived twenty fourteen. I could've sworn I couldn't make it through.

To my friends and family who stayed with me throughout, thank you for making this year something special, though its not all great. Thank you for putting up with the person that makes you feel futile most, if not all of the time. Thank you for staying by my side when I was vulnerable and stupid. And most of all thank you for believing in me when I sure as hell didn't believe in myself.

It's finally twenty-fifthteen and I'm so tired of wishing that this year will be better than the last. Que sera sera, right?

Whatever will be, will be.

And even if the year starts off without a "bang", or if the year turns out to be a shitty year, whatever it is I'll try and stay strong and believe that I can still survive another 365 pages. I mean, lots of protagonist survives (and lets not forget on several occasions they are on the brink of death) like a trilogy, three remakes of a movie, seven seasons of ABC productions, one extended movie and like two edited versions. So I'm sure I'll be fine.

P.S. 哥。。你最近好吗？看来你很忙所以没跟你联络。过不久发现没有你在我也无法可说。我常常跟你说我是你的守护天使但是我突然发现我不是。。。但你是我地守护谢谢你。不管你多谋的忙只要我说我心里不舒服你就会马上打来问说发生了什么事。。。常常为我担心为我支持跟我说些好听的话。我先在知道了说你那时候需要我的那时我没有相信你我没有为你想。我只为了自己想要听的话把他都听进去了然后把你丢下来。新年快乐哥。我恨对不起。我很爱你。我现在知道了。我希望你会一直在我身边为我努力为我开心因为我先在知道了。我现在懂了。你需要我的时候我一定会在你身边我一定会为你努力为你支持为你发出个笑容。我爱你哥。真的。不管多久我会在你身边。永远。因为你是我的每个你。

P.P.S. ㅁㅅ오빠. 울 오랫동안 안만났는데 이렇게 쓰는거 좀 어색하네요. 저도 오빠 이편지를 읽어나 안읽어날거지 모릅니다. 일단 전 한국말 오랫동안 못한니까 문법이 안좋으면 최송합니다. 전 오빤 요즘 많이 바쁘고 힘들오고 들었대요. 오빠 생각도 많이있고 오빤 몸이 별로 안좋아한거 다 알거있습니다. 오빠 오랫동안 전부터 지금까지 왜 몸이 챙기않해요? 이렇게 하면 오빠 진짜 병원이 가면 어떻게요? 누가 시간이 있는거 오빠 24시간 챙길수있을거에요? 다 넘 바쁘잖아요. 준형오빠? 아니면 홍이오빠? 안됐찮아요 오빠도 알잖아요. 다 바쁘니까.. 일도있고 연습도있는거 알잖아요. 오빠 이렇게 하면 안돼요! 제발.. 한번만 다른사람들이 생각하지말고 그냥 오빠만 생각해주세요. 암튼 제가 "오빨 잘지내고있어요?" 라고 안물어불께요. 저랑 오빠도 둘이 다 알잖아요 오빠 지금 잘지내냐고. 그럼.. 이만... ^^ 감사해요오빠. 전 기휘가 주신고. 감사드립니다. 제가 오빠의 맘이 잊이벌릴수가없어요. ^^ ㅇㅅ홧팅. 오빠도 홧팅! 제가 이제 그만 좋아할거에요. 힘들겠지만 저 오빠위해 이제부터 암곳다 할수없어요. 모르는척이 할게요. 오빠도 저도 이렇게 더 편해요. 그럼... 보고싶어요오빠 그리고 힘내세요. :)

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They all told me I wasn't ready for the real world, they told me that the world was a scary place. We're the Y generation, as they all it, whatever the fuck that means. Born between the discoveries of broadband internets and the fall of 9/11 we grew up around the convenience of life. I turned 20, twenty four days ago.

Twenty.

It's at the age where people expect you to wake up and feel like you have your whole world aligned. People expect you to just know what you want to do in life and chase blindly after it. But for me, twenty is more than that.

I woke up scared, more than anything else. I was scared of turning twenty, I was scared of all the incoming responsibilities, the adulthood has never been so scary for me, ever. For a child that wanted to grow up faster to leave all the highschool bullshit behind me I was inevitably scared as fuck. I laid in bed for a whole ten minutes, just staring at the ceiling wondering what it would be like if I stepped foot out of my bed and onto the floor. Everything just seemed so fragile at that moment and it was like I was afraid of stepping onto the breaking glass.

And then I inhaled and pulled myself out of bed. The first few minutes was fine, I guess. I sat at the edge of the bed looking through the window and then my phone started buzzing. Incoming birthday greetings started flooding in and I had to say that I was happy. Some said that they missed me and asked me to have a great birthday, some said that I'm finally twenty and I'm finally legal to do so much other shit that I wouldn't have been able to do yesterday.

And then I got a job.

So I'm going to come to a simple conclusion that not everything is scary. It may seem like the world is going to shatter if you step on a wrong palette but it isn't, really. The world isn't as fragile as it postures itself, whatever you're afraid just let it go.

Really.

Just let everything go, and for once take that risk you never took. Ask that guy you wanted out, tell your boss that your idea's worth a pitch, ask your parents if you could go on a weekend trip with your friend.

Let the world do its job and you do yours. Uncomplicate things.

It'll make your world a much better place to live and make you ten times happier. 0 comments

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10 years from now.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Battle Scars Are Worth The Tales.

Monday, July 27, 2015

What A Reckless Thing Hope Is.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Real. World.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

One Day You Too, Will Understand

Thursday, February 26, 2015

2/365

Friday, January 2, 2015

Missing you is proof that I'm still intact with my bad habits.

Thursday, November 27, 2014