Lose your sanity, lose your world.

I've been perceived by many as a person who's "heartless" and "cold". I've been described my numerous as "ignorant" and "reckless".

People tell me that I look like the type that doesn't care what the society thinks of me, I've been told that I'm somewhat a rebel. No. None of that is true. What bothers me the most is what people think of me, the expectations they have, and I think thats what led me to believe that what they think of me is who I really am.

Being put down, being constantly reminded that I'm not good enough or smart enough for something, I think that's what changed it all. Constantly reminded by the haunting thought that the people around you has no faith in you, you sort of grasp that context pretty loudly in your head over a couple of years.

How far do I have to go to understand who I really am? Is what they label me concrete?

The dispiriting thought sank into the depths of my brain, it grew like veins throughout me and it kept telling me that the confidence I'm feeling will not last. I began self-doubting. I think thats where the darkness started, it creeped into my veins and once it did I sort of lost all control.

I lost all my sanity. 0 comments

Who Are We?

click photo to enlarge!

shot with: Canon 60D - 50MM f/2.6 

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{F01} A Road To Self-Discovery

How do you find yourself?

It's funny because I've written this title over and over in my head. I've typed and backspaced on this post for the millionth time, but this time it'll stay. However bad it is. 

Self-discovery is probably the hardest thing to do for most if not all of the human population. We constantly struggle with the path to discover ourselves. Figure out what we want in life, who we're supposed to be, or if we're supposed to be anyone at all. 

I'm still trying to find myself too. I'm so agitated with myself for adhering onto my old lifestyle in the past that I resist to let go, and I think that's what most people are afraid of. To let go. 

It has to be hard to leave everything behind and move on. Close that last bittersweet chapter of your life and open up a new one on a whole new blank canvas. It's hard to know where to start but even harder to know what to start with. 

Should I start with a pencil outline? Should I go straight to the paint? Should I use soft crayons instead? It's basically like trail and error. You try something, it doesn't work out, you try again.

But someone told me that life is what you make of it, you can spend the rest of your life persistently whining about how much your life sucks and how you should be doing something you love. But do you really know what you love? Have you found what you're passionate for? If you have then why the fuck are you still doing that boring 9-5 job? 

People then retorted saying it's because they "can't" do it. What do you mean by you "can't" do it? Don't you know? If theres a will theres a way. 

I'm not here to put you down, but I'm here to give you that little push that you need. Find yourself. Come on. 

Start today. Ask yourself daily. 

"Who am I?" 

Who are you? Who are you really? The girl with jet black hair. The guy with glasses. The computer whiz that went to Harvard. The journalist-to-be in NYU. 

No. 

You define yourself. So ask yourself, who are you? Give yourself one word to describe you, don't ask people for their opinion on you. Ask yourself. Because at the end of the day, the people around you are not going to live the life you're living. You're responsible for your own, so how do you want to live YOUR life?

"What do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road?"

I don't know? It's a very common answer. But don't just stop thinking about it. At night, when you're about to fall asleep spend the last five minutes in your bed asking yourself, in five years time where would I be? 

At Harvard doing law? At an office cubicle working your ass off? At a recording studio making your first EP album? 

Don't be scared to dream big, no matter how big and fucking ridiculous the dream may sound. 

Being the next president? Why the fuck not?

It's all what you put into today that will shape who you are in five years, ten years, thirty years. Every day you'd have to face decisions. But one thing to remember is don't ever regret the choices you made because remember that they're something you once wanted. 

[A/N: NOT BETA-ED]

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THE DISTANCES IN BETWEEN.

A Human's Misconception of Happiness.

"So I was at the park with my camera and I saw this little girl on a swing with her brothers. She looked legit happy that it makes me wonder if I can ever be that happy again."

After my day in the park, I sent a preview of the picture to my friend. Attached to the picture was the sentence above. 

Someone told me that as a kid, life is black and white. And as we grow older we start to see the grey area that are in between and we start learning that life wasn't as simple as we understood. The simplicity of life that we thought we had it all figured out in our little head doesn't seem to make sense anymore. What ever happened to crying because you fell off the swing? What ever happened to the exultation we have when our parents got us the latest nintendo game boy? 

Slowly, over time, we start to realize that the grey area that we never knew existed is started to grow on us. Expectations start to grow, and so does our egoistic desires. We start to become aware of the fact that the hardest thing to do is not seeking in the game of hide and seek, but rather having to grow up in the unjust world. 

What we thought were happiness back then couldn't compare to a fragment of what happiness means to us now. Why? It's easy, our ego grew. 

Whether its brand names, your gpa, which college you're admitted to, it all comes down to one pretext, society. 

Society is definitely one of the biggest, most influential, grey area. When you reach a certain point in your childhood you're taught to conform to society whether you know it or not. How well you do in school, how well you carry your name, how materialistic you are, its all part of how you're slowly conforming to the sinister truth of what we call society.

The thing about happiness for us humans is probably the misconception of it. Most of us seem to constantly confuse the source of our happiness. We only momentarily chase after our incessant needs and desire, only to find that after we acquire our goal of possessing that incessant we cease to be happy. Then we find another desire to chase after, and the accustomed routine continues. We chase, we acquire, we repeat.

When did our untainted happiness by riding on slides and tea parties change to an endless chase of materialism and surpluses?

I'd like to point out the obvious, the society we grew up in may or may not effect your happiness. Some grew up with so much lesser than others and thats when they're conformed to their society. The fact that you do not need to have much to be happy while others conform to the society that materialism is the most salient factor of their life. 

So what is the whole point of this article? Am I going to tell you how to be happy? No. You know why? 

Because I am also one of the vast majority that relies on human consumption of materialism to be happy, but I'm also trying my best to rely on other things.

But what I do want to tell you, however, is that I know that everyone deserves to be happy. Even for the shortest amount of time, everyone deserves it. And no matter how you got it, if its your happiness you deserve it. 

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