Catching the Silence.: #daily thoughts

Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would bring him happiness but people thought that it was stupid because everybody knew that paint was toxic. But if someone is crazy enough to think that yellow paint is a cure, that yellow paint could wash them yellow internally, it means that they still have hope. Even the slightest bit of hope, there is still one. So he might not be the crazy one, ironically. Everyone has their yellow paint, the Y generation just substitutes it with drugs, cigarettes, and a crazy idea called love. Although there are chances that it will slowly kill you, there are also chances that it will make things better. And they grasp onto the remaining pieces of their shattered hope and intertwine their fingers to pray for a better tomorrow.

I want to be able to do that. To hope.

0 comments

I’m tired of limping. I’m tired of being crippled by society’s weights and expectation and getting punished for not being strong.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m a disappointment. When the world tells you that you’re not good enough and that theres always someone better than you.

I’m tired of not fighting for myself. I weaken just by thinking of how hurt a third person must feel and I prioritize their feelings over mine.

I’m an idealist and a scorpio. When you put the two together, you get a hazard zone.

Heres the thing about me. I posture myself so well that I am able to hide behind a false identity of happiness and optimism. The truth is, I have built and perfected the mask for so long that I have started to truly forget who I really am. I'm not really good at talking about myself so I'm just going to guess.

I guess I'm a paradox. I'm never truly happy or sad. I laugh at jokes and I smile at people but I'm always a mess of emotions. I feel things when I'm not supposed to and I am reminded of things I shouldn't be reminded of.

Having to stumble upon a news article about a girl who was so talented and so bright taking her own life, something in me shook. She was someone that shone brightly in the limelight, she was someone that everybody loved. She was someone who’s just a step away from her dreams. She seemed like someone who had her life together. I kind of wondered why a person would choose to end her life so abruptly if she was happy?

Heres what I figured out.

We don’t live long enough to fully fledge, to mature. We’re merely human and our existence is compressed into just a matter of seconds. We were taught to believe that our lives were for eternity and that we had more than enough time to figure out who we want to be, only to be shot down by the same person who gave us those false hopes and entity. Those are the same adults who sweep the remains of their shattered dream under the rug and tell you that dreams are not real; they’re not doing this for you, they’re doing this for them.

So what am I saying?

You know, you are your own person and there is no need to conform to anything society shoves down your throat. There will be time when the world takes over and pushes you to the abyss. Those are the times that society will feed on, your wariness, your insecurities, and your flaws; don’t let them. Why?

Because who you are is more important than anything and everything. And who you are is of no one’s business. The people who say that dreams are not real, and that what you want isn’t important are the ones that society has brainwashed to conform to and live the bleak, mundane life in a box of boundaries and false sense self-security.

What exactly is the point of this?

The point is, I don’t want to live life in a monotonous world where everything is confined to black and white. Reality is catastrophic place, much more so than the shakespearean era. I’ve been chained with expectations and high hopes my entire life, I’m starting to bleed through my scars.

So I’m going to try this new thing. I’m going to try to not be scared of what lies ahead and focus my energy on the positive. I’m going to try to be a better person; if not for me, then for someone else. I’m going to try to slowly let go of the past.

I am compelled to help humanity. If I can’t help myself, at least I can try to help others.

And always remember that a soft heart doesn’t break, only hard hearts do.

0 comments

They all told me I wasn't ready for the real world, they told me that the world was a scary place. We're the Y generation, as they all it, whatever the fuck that means. Born between the discoveries of broadband internets and the fall of 9/11 we grew up around the convenience of life. I turned 20, twenty four days ago.

Twenty.

It's at the age where people expect you to wake up and feel like you have your whole world aligned. People expect you to just know what you want to do in life and chase blindly after it. But for me, twenty is more than that.

I woke up scared, more than anything else. I was scared of turning twenty, I was scared of all the incoming responsibilities, the adulthood has never been so scary for me, ever. For a child that wanted to grow up faster to leave all the highschool bullshit behind me I was inevitably scared as fuck. I laid in bed for a whole ten minutes, just staring at the ceiling wondering what it would be like if I stepped foot out of my bed and onto the floor. Everything just seemed so fragile at that moment and it was like I was afraid of stepping onto the breaking glass.

And then I inhaled and pulled myself out of bed. The first few minutes was fine, I guess. I sat at the edge of the bed looking through the window and then my phone started buzzing. Incoming birthday greetings started flooding in and I had to say that I was happy. Some said that they missed me and asked me to have a great birthday, some said that I'm finally twenty and I'm finally legal to do so much other shit that I wouldn't have been able to do yesterday.

And then I got a job.

So I'm going to come to a simple conclusion that not everything is scary. It may seem like the world is going to shatter if you step on a wrong palette but it isn't, really. The world isn't as fragile as it postures itself, whatever you're afraid just let it go.

Really.

Just let everything go, and for once take that risk you never took. Ask that guy you wanted out, tell your boss that your idea's worth a pitch, ask your parents if you could go on a weekend trip with your friend.

Let the world do its job and you do yours. Uncomplicate things.

It'll make your world a much better place to live and make you ten times happier. 0 comments

But she chose to stay vulnerable.

She had to choose, whether she wanted to pick herself up from the ruins or stay there and wallow in the fact that she had her world turn upside down on her. The world she once thought was a magical place, the world she though she had fully grasped onto. The world where she wasn't constantly sympathizing herself for being the coward she truly is.

She built that wall, that cloak she hid behind to save herself from the evil that was lurking inside her heart. Someone told her that there was two wolves inside all of us, the wolf that survives was the wolf that you choose to feed. She couldn't tell them apart, honestly. She had to choose one, whichever one it is she picked she felt like it was destined to be.

She picked the gentle one. She nurtured it inside of her, she fed it, trained it, kept the future in foresight. She only had one secret, she also fed the wild wolf. It was prying for her attention and she couldn't turn it away. The temptation multiplied day by day, and before she knew it the gentle wolf was crying, starving. She overlooked the compassion the gentle wolf had, she was tempted by the greed and hunger and the presents the dark wolf was presenting her. And before she knew it, she had mutilated the dark wolf into a hybrid of herself.

The gentle wolf didn't die, though. It found a way to survive in the depths of the forest inside of her. It knew that one day she will return to care and nurture it like before. It had hope. Years may have passed but it was forgiving, it turned a blind eye and hold onto the memory of how happy it was when it was given the love.

Stronger and stronger the dark wolf became, it claimed territories around the organs. When it finally made its way to the heart, it battled it out with the gentle wolf. Howling, barking, ripping it's teeth through the gentle wolf's neck it devoured the neck whole.

The gentle wolf died. Leaving nothing but the scars at battle and the heart that was once filled with remorse and feelings dissipated. The leaves that were brimming with life withered and died. The skies fogged. The whole world that was once whole-heartedly tender and affectionate reformed and was tarnished, leaving nothing but ruins and ashes.

Her life turned up side down and she had a new identity.

Her feelings were emptied out, and slowly she was numb. She couldn't feel the world around her, she knew she still could breathe and comprehend the things around her but nothing was coherent enough for her to process. Her families and friends said she'd change into something they can't recognize anymore. But she knew what she turned into, a monster.

She never killed people, she never did anything to physically hurt people but herself. She couldn't understand herself either.

She lies, she cheats, she takes advantage of the people around her. That's what she does best. She knew what she's becoming is nothing of light but rather it has everything to do with darkness. Breaking the trust of the people closest to her, been there done that. Taking advantage of the people she knew was genuine to her, check.

So now she wallows. She hides and cuts all communication with the people that cares for her. She knew she couldn't open up to them because they'll just figure out that she's becoming a monster and she didn't want that. They hated her enough already and theres no need for anymore of that. Tired, that's what she was. Running away from all the lies she's created, having to keep up with all of them. She's tired of digging. She wanted to disappear.

Imagine how good it will be if she could just start over with a clean slate, a place where nobody knew her and a place where she could be anyone she wanted to be. Or she could just really disappear, into the abyss of hell.

But her cowardliness was the dividing factor that was stopping her. She was scared.

Time after time, her conscious was telling her that it was her fault that the people she "love" was in pain and time after time she wanted to set them free. She knew it was the right thing to do but what can she do if she was too scared to venture out there on her own?

How do you re-write a story that's already been carved in the walls? She had a choice to make and she chose to stay vulnerable to the seductive darkness and she had to pay for it. She had already sold her soul to satan and she has to make it up for the rest of her life. It's not too late for you to feed the gentle wolf, my dear. 0 comments

I ~~dont~~ know how to live my life.

I talked to someone today, a special someone who has always been there for me when I needed a listening ear. I think what connected both of us really, was the fact that we both were facing abiding hardships in our lives which made it quite clear that we both understood each other.

"넌 행복하고 살아?" 라고 물어봤어요. 그녀가 답은 "ㅋㅋㅋ 나 ㅇㅋ것 같아 나도 몰라 왜이래" 다음은 "인생이 힘들지?" 라고 그녀한테 물어봤어요. 그녀가 어떻게 답했었지 잊었는데요. 그런데 제가 그녀한테 또 얘기했어요. "넌 든든하니까.. 인생은 한번만 살수있으니까.. 잘 살아."

("Are you living happily?" I asked her. She replied me "hahaha I'm okay I think, I dont know why I'm being like this". Next I asked her "Life's hard isn't it". I don't remember exactly what she told me but I said to her "You're really tough.. and you can only life your life once so live it nicely")

내가 그런이야지 할수있나봐.. 이건 내 첫생각.. 다른사람들이 힘들기간때 내가 얘기할수있더라 근데 왜 내마음이 아팠을때 이런말이 안돼?

(And that got me wondering, I could give others a perfectly sympathetic speech about life when others are at their worst.. But.. Why can't I take my own advice for a change?)

I hate it when people to tell me to "live happily" (please note that its not really common in English but more commonly used in Korean.) which ironically I tell people to do that. Hypocritical and ironic at the same time, laughs.

The things people will tell you (or at least, they tell me) is "YOLO" so make the most out of it or something like that, and it really annoys the crap out of me. Why? Because how do I do that if the mother nature is against me doing that? Whatever I do, I just am not really truly happy.

그녀가 또 답했는말은 "너의 의미가뭔데?" 라고 했었음. 이젠 생각이 많이 왔고.. 내가 한번도 못 생각했는데 "의미" 가 도데체 뭔데라고 계속 고민했었어. 의미... 의미... 의미... 10분후에 내가 답이없었어. 나의 의미..라고?? 몰랐어 사실은. 그래서 내가 그녀가 물어봤어 "그럼 너는? 너의 의미가뭔데?" 그녀도 생각했었나봐.. 생각후에 그녀가 나랑 이런말했어 "이 세상을 찐짜 개량하다 ㅋㅋ 모두 인간들 내가 개량할거야 ㅋㅋㅋ 이거 나의 의미" 그때 내가 진짜 감짝놀랐어. 그녀가 의미 찾았구나.. 나도 한번 찾아해야지 라고 말했어. 그녀가 "너의 의미 기대해" 라고 불었어요. 그렇니까 나도 한번 찾알거에요.

(She then questioned me. "What's your meaning of life?". By now a train of thoughts rushed into my head. I've never once thought someone would ask me this, except for myself. I continuously processed the question in my head, what exactly is the meaning of life? Meaning.. Meaning.. Meaning.. As the time ticked by I had no cement answer to give her. To be honest, I was lost. So I asked her "So what's your meaning of life?" She also seems like she was recollecting. A few minutes later she replied "This world is an improvement. Whoever I meet I try to improve. That is my meaning of life" I was really surprised. I wasn't expecting that and thats when I concluded that it was probably a good time for me to start questioning myself about meaning of life if I wanted to be happy. She told me she was anticipating what life meant to me.)

내가 그녀랑 마지막이야지를 "내가 아직도 행복은 찾아고있어. 너도 한번만 찾아봐 이렇게 하면 우리 혹시나 찾알수있으면 인생은 쉽게 살수있겠나봐" 라고 말했습니다. 저한테 행복은 긴급한 찾알수있으면 좋겠습니다.

(My last few words before she had to leave was "I'm currently in the midst of catching happiness, you too should try to catch your happiness. If we're able to catch it, life could be so much easier". I'm desperate to catch it, please just let me close enough to see it.)

If only I was close enough to even grasp a glimpse of what happiness looks like, I'd probably find a motivation to chase after it. But since I'm still serving my time in hell for selling my soul to satan, I'm just going to pretend that I'm one of them. Or maybe, just maybe, I really am one of them.

이문장은 "그녀" 한테 바치다. 너없으면 나도 이런 생각이 없을것같아서 너 땜에 내가 이제 좋은 생각이 생겼다. 고맙다.
(I dedicate this to "The girl" in this post. Without her I wouldn't have all these thoughts and I couldn't possibly form positive coherent thoughts without her. Thanks. B.)

0 comments

A Human's Misconception of Happiness.

"So I was at the park with my camera and I saw this little girl on a swing with her brothers. She looked legit happy that it makes me wonder if I can ever be that happy again."

After my day in the park, I sent a preview of the picture to my friend. Attached to the picture was the sentence above.

Someone told me that as a kid, life is black and white. And as we grow older we start to see the grey area that are in between and we start learning that life wasn't as simple as we understood. The simplicity of life that we thought we had it all figured out in our little head doesn't seem to make sense anymore. What ever happened to crying because you fell off the swing? What ever happened to the exultation we have when our parents got us the latest nintendo game boy?

Slowly, over time, we start to realize that the grey area that we never knew existed is started to grow on us. Expectations start to grow, and so does our egoistic desires. We start to become aware of the fact that the hardest thing to do is not seeking in the game of hide and seek, but rather having to grow up in the unjust world.

What we thought were happiness back then couldn't compare to a fragment of what happiness means to us now. Why? It's easy, our ego grew.

Whether its brand names, your gpa, which college you're admitted to, it all comes down to one pretext, society.

Society is definitely one of the biggest, most influential, grey area. When you reach a certain point in your childhood you're taught to conform to society whether you know it or not. How well you do in school, how well you carry your name, how materialistic you are, its all part of how you're slowly conforming to the sinister truth of what we call society.

The thing about happiness for us humans is probably the misconception of it. Most of us seem to constantly confuse the source of our happiness. We only momentarily chase after our incessant needs and desire, only to find that after we acquire our goal of possessing that incessant we cease to be happy. Then we find another desire to chase after, and the accustomed routine continues. We chase, we acquire, we repeat.

When did our untainted happiness by riding on slides and tea parties change to an endless chase of materialism and surpluses?

I'd like to point out the obvious, the society we grew up in may or may not effect your happiness. Some grew up with so much lesser than others and thats when they're conformed to their society. The fact that you do not need to have much to be happy while others conform to the society that materialism is the most salient factor of their life.

So what is the whole point of this article? Am I going to tell you how to be happy? No. You know why?

Because I am also one of the vast majority that relies on human consumption of materialism to be happy, but I'm also trying my best to rely on other things.

But what I do want to tell you, however, is that I know that everyone deserves to be happy. Even for the shortest amount of time, everyone deserves it. And no matter how you got it, if its your happiness you deserve it.

1 comments

Hashtags!

Archives

What A Reckless Thing Hope Is.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

One Day You Too, Will Understand

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Missing you is proof that I'm still intact with my bad habits.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

She had a choice to make.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Don't Tell Me How To Be Happy.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

THE DISTANCES IN BETWEEN.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014