But she chose to stay vulnerable.
She had to choose, whether she wanted to pick herself up from the ruins or stay there and wallow in the fact that she had her world turn upside down on her. The world she once thought was a magical place, the world she though she had fully grasped onto. The world where she wasn't constantly sympathizing herself for being the coward she truly is.
She built that wall, that cloak she hid behind to save herself from the evil that was lurking inside her heart. Someone told her that there was two wolves inside all of us, the wolf that survives was the wolf that you choose to feed. She couldn't tell them apart, honestly. She had to choose one, whichever one it is she picked she felt like it was destined to be.
She picked the gentle one. She nurtured it inside of her, she fed it, trained it, kept the future in foresight. She only had one secret, she also fed the wild wolf. It was prying for her attention and she couldn't turn it away. The temptation multiplied day by day, and before she knew it the gentle wolf was crying, starving. She overlooked the compassion the gentle wolf had, she was tempted by the greed and hunger and the presents the dark wolf was presenting her. And before she knew it, she had mutilated the dark wolf into a hybrid of herself.
The gentle wolf didn't die, though. It found a way to survive in the depths of the forest inside of her. It knew that one day she will return to care and nurture it like before. It had hope. Years may have passed but it was forgiving, it turned a blind eye and hold onto the memory of how happy it was when it was given the love.
Stronger and stronger the dark wolf became, it claimed territories around the organs. When it finally made its way to the heart, it battled it out with the gentle wolf. Howling, barking, ripping it's teeth through the gentle wolf's neck it devoured the neck whole.
The gentle wolf died. Leaving nothing but the scars at battle and the heart that was once filled with remorse and feelings dissipated. The leaves that were brimming with life withered and died. The skies fogged. The whole world that was once whole-heartedly tender and affectionate reformed and was tarnished, leaving nothing but ruins and ashes.
Her life turned up side down and she had a new identity.
Her feelings were emptied out, and slowly she was numb. She couldn't feel the world around her, she knew she still could breathe and comprehend the things around her but nothing was coherent enough for her to process. Her families and friends said she'd change into something they can't recognize anymore. But she knew what she turned into, a monster.
She never killed people, she never did anything to physically hurt people but herself. She couldn't understand herself either.
She lies, she cheats, she takes advantage of the people around her. That's what she does best. She knew what she's becoming is nothing of light but rather it has everything to do with darkness. Breaking the trust of the people closest to her, been there done that. Taking advantage of the people she knew was genuine to her, check.
So now she wallows. She hides and cuts all communication with the people that cares for her. She knew she couldn't open up to them because they'll just figure out that she's becoming a monster and she didn't want that. They hated her enough already and theres no need for anymore of that. Tired, that's what she was. Running away from all the lies she's created, having to keep up with all of them. She's tired of digging. She wanted to disappear.
Imagine how good it will be if she could just start over with a clean slate, a place where nobody knew her and a place where she could be anyone she wanted to be. Or she could just really disappear, into the abyss of hell.
But her cowardliness was the dividing factor that was stopping her. She was scared.
Time after time, her conscious was telling her that it was her fault that the people she "love" was in pain and time after time she wanted to set them free. She knew it was the right thing to do but what can she do if she was too scared to venture out there on her own?
How do you re-write a story that's already been carved in the walls? She had a choice to make and she chose to stay vulnerable to the seductive darkness and she had to pay for it. She had already sold her soul to satan and she has to make it up for the rest of her life. It's not too late for you to feed the gentle wolf, my dear.
