Don't Tell Me How To Be Happy.

I dont know how to live my life.

I talked to someone today, a special someone who has always been there for me when I needed a listening ear. I think what connected both of us really, was the fact that we both were facing abiding hardships in our lives which made it quite clear that we both understood each other. 

"넌 행복하고 살아?" 라고 물어봤어요. 그녀가 답은 "ㅋㅋㅋ 나 ㅇㅋ것 같아 나도 몰라 왜이래" 다음은 "인생이 힘들지?" 라고 그녀한테 물어봤어요. 그녀가 어떻게 답했었지 잊었는데요. 그런데 제가 그녀한테 또 얘기했어요. "넌 든든하니까.. 인생은 한번만 살수있으니까.. 잘 살아." 

("Are you living happily?" I asked her. She replied me "hahaha I'm okay I think, I dont know why I'm being like this". Next I asked her "Life's hard isn't it". I don't remember exactly what she told me but I said to her "You're really tough.. and you can only life your life once so live it nicely") 

내가 그런이야지 할수있나봐.. 이건 내 첫생각.. 다른사람들이 힘들기간때 내가 얘기할수있더라 근데 왜 내마음이 아팠을때 이런말이 안돼? 

(And that got me wondering, I could give others a perfectly sympathetic speech about life when others are at their worst.. But.. Why can't I take my own advice for a change?) 

I hate it when people to tell me to "live happily" (please note that its not really common in English but more commonly used in Korean.) which ironically I tell people to do that. Hypocritical and ironic at the same time, laughs. 

The things people will tell you (or at least, they tell me) is "YOLO" so make the most out of it or something like that, and it really annoys the crap out of me. Why? Because how do I do that if the mother nature is against me doing that? Whatever I do, I just am not really truly happy. 

그녀가 또 답했는말은 "너의 의미가뭔데?" 라고 했었음. 이젠 생각이 많이 왔고.. 내가 한번도 못 생각했는데 "의미" 가 도데체 뭔데라고 계속 고민했었어. 의미... 의미... 의미... 10분후에 내가 답이없었어. 나의 의미..라고?? 몰랐어 사실은. 그래서 내가 그녀가 물어봤어 "그럼 너는? 너의 의미가뭔데?" 그녀도 생각했었나봐.. 생각후에 그녀가 나랑 이런말했어 "이 세상을 찐짜 개량하다 ㅋㅋ 모두 인간들 내가 개량할거야 ㅋㅋㅋ 이거 나의 의미" 그때 내가 진짜 감짝놀랐어. 그녀가 의미 찾았구나.. 나도 한번 찾아해야지 라고 말했어. 그녀가 "너의 의미 기대해" 라고 불었어요. 그렇니까 나도 한번 찾알거에요. 

(She then questioned me. "What's your meaning of life?". By now a train of thoughts rushed into my head. I've never once thought someone would ask me this, except for myself. I continuously processed the question in my head, what exactly is the meaning of life? Meaning.. Meaning.. Meaning.. As the time ticked by I had no cement answer to give her. To be honest, I was lost. So I asked her "So what's your meaning of life?" She also seems like she was recollecting. A few minutes later she replied "This world is an improvement. Whoever I meet I try to improve. That is my meaning of life" I was really surprised. I wasn't expecting that and thats when I concluded that it was probably a good time for me to start questioning myself about meaning of life if I wanted to be happy. She told me she was anticipating what life meant to me.) 

내가 그녀랑 마지막이야지를 "내가 아직도 행복은 찾아고있어. 너도 한번만 찾아봐 이렇게 하면 우리 혹시나 찾알수있으면 인생은 쉽게 살수있겠나봐" 라고 말했습니다. 저한테 행복은 긴급한 찾알수있으면 좋겠습니다. 

(My last few words before she had to leave was "I'm currently in the midst of catching happiness, you too should try to catch your happiness. If we're able to catch it, life could be so much easier". I'm desperate to catch it, please just let me close enough to see it.)

If only I was close enough to even grasp a glimpse of what happiness looks like, I'd probably find a motivation to chase after it. But since I'm still serving my time in hell for selling my soul to satan, I'm just going to pretend that I'm one of them. Or maybe, just maybe, I really am one of them.

이문장은 "그녀" 한테 바치다. 너없으면 나도 이런 생각이 없을것같아서 너 땜에 내가 이제 좋은 생각이 생겼다. 고맙다.
(I dedicate this to "The girl" in this post. Without her I wouldn't have all these thoughts and I couldn't possibly form positive coherent thoughts without her. Thanks. B.)