Missing you is proof that I'm still intact with my bad habits.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

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They all told me I wasn't ready for the real world, they told me that the world was a scary place. We're the Y generation, as they all it, whatever the fuck that means. Born between the discoveries of broadband internets and the fall of 9/11 we grew up around the convenience of life. I turned 20, twenty four days ago.

Twenty.

It's at the age where people expect you to wake up and feel like you have your whole world aligned. People expect you to just know what you want to do in life and chase blindly after it. But for me, twenty is more than that.

I woke up scared, more than anything else. I was scared of turning twenty, I was scared of all the incoming responsibilities, the adulthood has never been so scary for me, ever. For a child that wanted to grow up faster to leave all the highschool bullshit behind me I was inevitably scared as fuck. I laid in bed for a whole ten minutes, just staring at the ceiling wondering what it would be like if I stepped foot out of my bed and onto the floor. Everything just seemed so fragile at that moment and it was like I was afraid of stepping onto the breaking glass.

And then I inhaled and pulled myself out of bed. The first few minutes was fine, I guess. I sat at the edge of the bed looking through the window and then my phone started buzzing. Incoming birthday greetings started flooding in and I had to say that I was happy. Some said that they missed me and asked me to have a great birthday, some said that I'm finally twenty and I'm finally legal to do so much other shit that I wouldn't have been able to do yesterday.

And then I got a job.

So I'm going to come to a simple conclusion that not everything is scary. It may seem like the world is going to shatter if you step on a wrong palette but it isn't, really. The world isn't as fragile as it postures itself, whatever you're afraid just let it go.

Really.

Just let everything go, and for once take that risk you never took. Ask that guy you wanted out, tell your boss that your idea's worth a pitch, ask your parents if you could go on a weekend trip with your friend.

Let the world do its job and you do yours. Uncomplicate things.

It'll make your world a much better place to live and make you ten times happier. 0 comments

Surreal.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

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1.01AM

Now that I think about it, Singapore was an eventful year. Even if it was being there for just a year changed me immensely. It doesn't matter who you are, if our paths crossed, I just want you all to know that you're part of a maturing stage for me and I am truly grateful to have you all in it. Over the whole chapter of my life in Singapore, I was able to earn friends, knowledge, experience amongst other things. Whether you've walked into my life and left nothing but vague imprints and memories or whether its the ones that stayed with me since the start, you're all part of me.

All the friends I've made through the year, I know that I could be a pain in the ass sometimes but thank you for putting up with me. I know this letter is long overdue but something finally knocked some sense into this incoherent mind of mine to finally write to you all.

The dungeon people, you know who you are, thank you for always bringing liveliness into the room, for always motivating me with work and for always putting so much effort into helping me through hard times.

The snails, you are the ones that started out with me and thank you for always always always cheering me up on a bad day. You're all very precious to me and you've literally stuck with me since the start and I dont know how to express this gratitude of mine.

Fashion people, ya'll rock. Some I know since the start, some later but nevertheless, you're all fucking special to me. Though we sometime spend time separately because ya'll doing your sewing and shit, you're all fucking talented to me.

#BMcrew, though we've only been able to get together for a sem, ya'll were supposed to be my future classmates. I was supposed to do the meaningless fake news with ya'll and help ya'll with your vine videos and shit. Sorry for not being there as promised and sorry I couldn't continue down the journey with you all. But please know that you all are amazing and even if it was just a term ya'll really made me feel welcomed and blessed to be part of the #BMcrew. Remember our VJ performance at Homeclub? It was amazing, first time showcasing our talent to the rest of the student body and all the guests, ya'll were nervous as fuck and the time we used to prepare.

And the zouk partner in crime! Ya'll really changed me the most. From a non-party-go-er to a twice-a-week-at-least party person. It was great being introduced to the crowd and I couldn't believe all those times we spent together until 5am in the morning trying to get home and the cab line is just fucking crazy. Remember when we're like fuck this shit and walked all the way to like idk where? Good times.

Theres one friend that I'd really like to thank. Sticking with me since day-1, and I wouldn't have survived first year without her. This is long overdue, as I've said but I wasn't able to show my gratitude towards her enough. She's helped me through the hardest times and she's the only one who showed various acts of selflessness towards not just me but everyone around her. Liking the same thing to even looking almost identical, I think this is what God has planned for us. So thank you so very much for being such a nice person and I'm sorry you have to deal with my attitude and moodswings sometimes but you held it all together so thank you. You're so strong, so talented, and so amazing so please know that wherever you go, you'll succeed. I'm truly grateful to have met you, out of all people. I'm thankful God gave me a chance to get to know you and be your friend and I'm sorry we're not together at the moment but I'll find a time to visit you soon!! I'll work hard towards my future and I want to be the same pillar of strength you lean on for support when you're tired, I want to be the same as you are to me.

My time in Singapore might have come to an end but the people that mattered most to me will always stay with me no matter what. You're all amazing people and you're all blessed to have come together in one small place. I'm truly blessed to have been able to go through the blood-shedding experience with you all and for what its worth, you all will be the shape of the future. I'll look back at this chapter of my life and realize that I was truly blessed to be able to mature in such a place with you people. Thank you for making my life an eventful ride and thank you for letting me learn how to love.

I hope one day we cross paths again, and when that day comes, I want to be able to say "You've come such a long way, I'm so proud of you!" 0 comments

She had a choice to make.

Friday, October 3, 2014

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But she chose to stay vulnerable.

She had to choose, whether she wanted to pick herself up from the ruins or stay there and wallow in the fact that she had her world turn upside down on her. The world she once thought was a magical place, the world she though she had fully grasped onto. The world where she wasn't constantly sympathizing herself for being the coward she truly is.

She built that wall, that cloak she hid behind to save herself from the evil that was lurking inside her heart. Someone told her that there was two wolves inside all of us, the wolf that survives was the wolf that you choose to feed. She couldn't tell them apart, honestly. She had to choose one, whichever one it is she picked she felt like it was destined to be.

She picked the gentle one. She nurtured it inside of her, she fed it, trained it, kept the future in foresight. She only had one secret, she also fed the wild wolf. It was prying for her attention and she couldn't turn it away. The temptation multiplied day by day, and before she knew it the gentle wolf was crying, starving. She overlooked the compassion the gentle wolf had, she was tempted by the greed and hunger and the presents the dark wolf was presenting her. And before she knew it, she had mutilated the dark wolf into a hybrid of herself.

The gentle wolf didn't die, though. It found a way to survive in the depths of the forest inside of her. It knew that one day she will return to care and nurture it like before. It had hope. Years may have passed but it was forgiving, it turned a blind eye and hold onto the memory of how happy it was when it was given the love.

Stronger and stronger the dark wolf became, it claimed territories around the organs. When it finally made its way to the heart, it battled it out with the gentle wolf. Howling, barking, ripping it's teeth through the gentle wolf's neck it devoured the neck whole.

The gentle wolf died. Leaving nothing but the scars at battle and the heart that was once filled with remorse and feelings dissipated. The leaves that were brimming with life withered and died. The skies fogged. The whole world that was once whole-heartedly tender and affectionate reformed and was tarnished, leaving nothing but ruins and ashes.

Her life turned up side down and she had a new identity.

Her feelings were emptied out, and slowly she was numb. She couldn't feel the world around her, she knew she still could breathe and comprehend the things around her but nothing was coherent enough for her to process. Her families and friends said she'd change into something they can't recognize anymore. But she knew what she turned into, a monster.

She never killed people, she never did anything to physically hurt people but herself. She couldn't understand herself either.

She lies, she cheats, she takes advantage of the people around her. That's what she does best. She knew what she's becoming is nothing of light but rather it has everything to do with darkness. Breaking the trust of the people closest to her, been there done that. Taking advantage of the people she knew was genuine to her, check.

So now she wallows. She hides and cuts all communication with the people that cares for her. She knew she couldn't open up to them because they'll just figure out that she's becoming a monster and she didn't want that. They hated her enough already and theres no need for anymore of that. Tired, that's what she was. Running away from all the lies she's created, having to keep up with all of them. She's tired of digging. She wanted to disappear.

Imagine how good it will be if she could just start over with a clean slate, a place where nobody knew her and a place where she could be anyone she wanted to be. Or she could just really disappear, into the abyss of hell.

But her cowardliness was the dividing factor that was stopping her. She was scared.

Time after time, her conscious was telling her that it was her fault that the people she "love" was in pain and time after time she wanted to set them free. She knew it was the right thing to do but what can she do if she was too scared to venture out there on her own?

How do you re-write a story that's already been carved in the walls? She had a choice to make and she chose to stay vulnerable to the seductive darkness and she had to pay for it. She had already sold her soul to satan and she has to make it up for the rest of her life. It's not too late for you to feed the gentle wolf, my dear. 0 comments

Don't Tell Me How To Be Happy.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

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I dont know how to live my life.

I talked to someone today, a special someone who has always been there for me when I needed a listening ear. I think what connected both of us really, was the fact that we both were facing abiding hardships in our lives which made it quite clear that we both understood each other. 

"넌 행복하고 살아?" 라고 물어봤어요. 그녀가 답은 "ㅋㅋㅋ 나 ㅇㅋ것 같아 나도 몰라 왜이래" 다음은 "인생이 힘들지?" 라고 그녀한테 물어봤어요. 그녀가 어떻게 답했었지 잊었는데요. 그런데 제가 그녀한테 또 얘기했어요. "넌 든든하니까.. 인생은 한번만 살수있으니까.. 잘 살아." 

("Are you living happily?" I asked her. She replied me "hahaha I'm okay I think, I dont know why I'm being like this". Next I asked her "Life's hard isn't it". I don't remember exactly what she told me but I said to her "You're really tough.. and you can only life your life once so live it nicely") 

내가 그런이야지 할수있나봐.. 이건 내 첫생각.. 다른사람들이 힘들기간때 내가 얘기할수있더라 근데 왜 내마음이 아팠을때 이런말이 안돼? 

(And that got me wondering, I could give others a perfectly sympathetic speech about life when others are at their worst.. But.. Why can't I take my own advice for a change?) 

I hate it when people to tell me to "live happily" (please note that its not really common in English but more commonly used in Korean.) which ironically I tell people to do that. Hypocritical and ironic at the same time, laughs. 

The things people will tell you (or at least, they tell me) is "YOLO" so make the most out of it or something like that, and it really annoys the crap out of me. Why? Because how do I do that if the mother nature is against me doing that? Whatever I do, I just am not really truly happy. 

그녀가 또 답했는말은 "너의 의미가뭔데?" 라고 했었음. 이젠 생각이 많이 왔고.. 내가 한번도 못 생각했는데 "의미" 가 도데체 뭔데라고 계속 고민했었어. 의미... 의미... 의미... 10분후에 내가 답이없었어. 나의 의미..라고?? 몰랐어 사실은. 그래서 내가 그녀가 물어봤어 "그럼 너는? 너의 의미가뭔데?" 그녀도 생각했었나봐.. 생각후에 그녀가 나랑 이런말했어 "이 세상을 찐짜 개량하다 ㅋㅋ 모두 인간들 내가 개량할거야 ㅋㅋㅋ 이거 나의 의미" 그때 내가 진짜 감짝놀랐어. 그녀가 의미 찾았구나.. 나도 한번 찾아해야지 라고 말했어. 그녀가 "너의 의미 기대해" 라고 불었어요. 그렇니까 나도 한번 찾알거에요. 

(She then questioned me. "What's your meaning of life?". By now a train of thoughts rushed into my head. I've never once thought someone would ask me this, except for myself. I continuously processed the question in my head, what exactly is the meaning of life? Meaning.. Meaning.. Meaning.. As the time ticked by I had no cement answer to give her. To be honest, I was lost. So I asked her "So what's your meaning of life?" She also seems like she was recollecting. A few minutes later she replied "This world is an improvement. Whoever I meet I try to improve. That is my meaning of life" I was really surprised. I wasn't expecting that and thats when I concluded that it was probably a good time for me to start questioning myself about meaning of life if I wanted to be happy. She told me she was anticipating what life meant to me.) 

내가 그녀랑 마지막이야지를 "내가 아직도 행복은 찾아고있어. 너도 한번만 찾아봐 이렇게 하면 우리 혹시나 찾알수있으면 인생은 쉽게 살수있겠나봐" 라고 말했습니다. 저한테 행복은 긴급한 찾알수있으면 좋겠습니다. 

(My last few words before she had to leave was "I'm currently in the midst of catching happiness, you too should try to catch your happiness. If we're able to catch it, life could be so much easier". I'm desperate to catch it, please just let me close enough to see it.)

If only I was close enough to even grasp a glimpse of what happiness looks like, I'd probably find a motivation to chase after it. But since I'm still serving my time in hell for selling my soul to satan, I'm just going to pretend that I'm one of them. Or maybe, just maybe, I really am one of them.

이문장은 "그녀" 한테 바치다. 너없으면 나도 이런 생각이 없을것같아서 너 땜에 내가 이제 좋은 생각이 생겼다. 고맙다.
(I dedicate this to "The girl" in this post. Without her I wouldn't have all these thoughts and I couldn't possibly form positive coherent thoughts without her. Thanks. B.)
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Lose your sanity, lose your world.

Monday, September 29, 2014

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I've been perceived by many as a person who's "heartless" and "cold". I've been described my numerous as "ignorant" and "reckless".

People tell me that I look like the type that doesn't care what the society thinks of me, I've been told that I'm somewhat a rebel. No. None of that is true. What bothers me the most is what people think of me, the expectations they have, and I think thats what led me to believe that what they think of me is who I really am.

Being put down, being constantly reminded that I'm not good enough or smart enough for something, I think that's what changed it all. Constantly reminded by the haunting thought that the people around you has no faith in you, you sort of grasp that context pretty loudly in your head over a couple of years.

How far do I have to go to understand who I really am? Is what they label me concrete?

The dispiriting thought sank into the depths of my brain, it grew like veins throughout me and it kept telling me that the confidence I'm feeling will not last. I began self-doubting. I think thats where the darkness started, it creeped into my veins and once it did I sort of lost all control.

I lost all my sanity. 0 comments

Who Are We?

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click photo to enlarge!

shot with: Canon 60D - 50MM f/2.6 

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{F01} A Road To Self-Discovery

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How do you find yourself?



It's funny because I've written this title over and over in my head. I've typed and backspaced on this post for the millionth time, but this time it'll stay. However bad it is. 

Self-discovery is probably the hardest thing to do for most if not all of the human population. We constantly struggle with the path to discover ourselves. Figure out what we want in life, who we're supposed to be, or if we're supposed to be anyone at all. 

I'm still trying to find myself too. I'm so agitated with myself for adhering onto my old lifestyle in the past that I resist to let go, and I think that's what most people are afraid of. To let go. 

It has to be hard to leave everything behind and move on. Close that last bittersweet chapter of your life and open up a new one on a whole new blank canvas. It's hard to know where to start but even harder to know what to start with. 

Should I start with a pencil outline? Should I go straight to the paint? Should I use soft crayons instead? It's basically like trail and error. You try something, it doesn't work out, you try again.

But someone told me that life is what you make of it, you can spend the rest of your life persistently whining about how much your life sucks and how you should be doing something you love. But do you really know what you love? Have you found what you're passionate for? If you have then why the fuck are you still doing that boring 9-5 job? 

People then retorted saying it's because they "can't" do it. What do you mean by you "can't" do it? Don't you know? If theres a will theres a way. 

I'm not here to put you down, but I'm here to give you that little push that you need. Find yourself. Come on. 

Start today. Ask yourself daily. 

"Who am I?" 

Who are you? Who are you really? The girl with jet black hair. The guy with glasses. The computer whiz that went to Harvard. The journalist-to-be in NYU. 

No. 

You define yourself. So ask yourself, who are you? Give yourself one word to describe you, don't ask people for their opinion on you. Ask yourself. Because at the end of the day, the people around you are not going to live the life you're living. You're responsible for your own, so how do you want to live YOUR life?

"What do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road?"

I don't know? It's a very common answer. But don't just stop thinking about it. At night, when you're about to fall asleep spend the last five minutes in your bed asking yourself, in five years time where would I be? 

At Harvard doing law? At an office cubicle working your ass off? At a recording studio making your first EP album? 

Don't be scared to dream big, no matter how big and fucking ridiculous the dream may sound. 

Being the next president? Why the fuck not?

It's all what you put into today that will shape who you are in five years, ten years, thirty years. Every day you'd have to face decisions. But one thing to remember is don't ever regret the choices you made because remember that they're something you once wanted. 

[A/N: NOT BETA-ED]
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THE DISTANCES IN BETWEEN.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

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A Human's Misconception of Happiness.



"So I was at the park with my camera and I saw this little girl on a swing with her brothers. She looked legit happy that it makes me wonder if I can ever be that happy again."

After my day in the park, I sent a preview of the picture to my friend. Attached to the picture was the sentence above. 

Someone told me that as a kid, life is black and white. And as we grow older we start to see the grey area that are in between and we start learning that life wasn't as simple as we understood. The simplicity of life that we thought we had it all figured out in our little head doesn't seem to make sense anymore. What ever happened to crying because you fell off the swing? What ever happened to the exultation we have when our parents got us the latest nintendo game boy? 

Slowly, over time, we start to realize that the grey area that we never knew existed is started to grow on us. Expectations start to grow, and so does our egoistic desires. We start to become aware of the fact that the hardest thing to do is not seeking in the game of hide and seek, but rather having to grow up in the unjust world. 

What we thought were happiness back then couldn't compare to a fragment of what happiness means to us now. Why? It's easy, our ego grew. 

Whether its brand names, your gpa, which college you're admitted to, it all comes down to one pretext, society. 

Society is definitely one of the biggest, most influential, grey area. When you reach a certain point in your childhood you're taught to conform to society whether you know it or not. How well you do in school, how well you carry your name, how materialistic you are, its all part of how you're slowly conforming to the sinister truth of what we call society.


The thing about happiness for us humans is probably the misconception of it. Most of us seem to constantly confuse the source of our happiness. We only momentarily chase after our incessant needs and desire, only to find that after we acquire our goal of possessing that incessant we cease to be happy. Then we find another desire to chase after, and the accustomed routine continues. We chase, we acquire, we repeat.

When did our untainted happiness by riding on slides and tea parties change to an endless chase of materialism and surpluses?

I'd like to point out the obvious, the society we grew up in may or may not effect your happiness. Some grew up with so much lesser than others and thats when they're conformed to their society. The fact that you do not need to have much to be happy while others conform to the society that materialism is the most salient factor of their life. 

So what is the whole point of this article? Am I going to tell you how to be happy? No. You know why? 

Because I am also one of the vast majority that relies on human consumption of materialism to be happy, but I'm also trying my best to rely on other things.

But what I do want to tell you, however, is that I know that everyone deserves to be happy. Even for the shortest amount of time, everyone deserves it. And no matter how you got it, if its your happiness you deserve it. 
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